Today was an angry day. I didn’t realise it until I let myself get pulled into my feelings with a stranger over somebody else’s business. Then I saw how angry I was and that that anger was sourced in several different issues.
I went to a relative with whom I’m trying to repair/build a relationship and they kinda confirmed they haven’t changed. Or rather I had an expectation about something and they showed they didn’t share that expectation. I tend to come away from interactions with them feeling like an employee rather than a family member.
We were supposed to go to an event tomorrow together. I am doing her hair, makeup, and costume. This whole week she has dodged getting together to go over things and she just told me she’s going to be busy all day tomorrow and will be available two hours before the event so that I can make her up and dress her.
… and when we come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life’s colors to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
Commentary for “New Vision” (Major Arcana #12 The Hanged Man), Osho Zen Tarot.
I picked this deck because I feel like there’s a lot of transformation I still need to navigate. Perfect time for this in Scorpio season, no? It’s very specialized if you read through the contents page. The book by the way is quite thick and lovely. The reviews also played a part in swaying me to buy it as it was mentioned quite a bit that the feel and connection with the deck was a very fresh and different experience. Similar to the Lovers Path Tarot that I posted recently, it’s designed for something beyond what I would call a typical tarot reading.
The book with notes and explanations will be put to good use. It’s easy to recognize a fair amount of the traditional card symbolism in this deck. But, there are many layers to the imagery that really transforms these cards into a differently tuned instrument of divination for me. When I shuffled through the cards, I knew instantly this deck was a tool I needed to aid me in my personal growth and buying it was the right decision for me.
I’ve been having a rough go of it with emotions relating to my self esteem/identity and unresolved hurts from both childhood and a previous relationship. Some of these things I have outlined on here in previous posts. Part of the reason why I’ve had a rather long absence from posting is I just did not want to face any of it. Cancer season is emotional. I really don’t like talking about my feelings. Well, I can talk about them in an abstract and clinical way. I just don’t want to feel them. But tonight I gave up fighting it and just sat there and listened.
The meditation was an improvised thing. I was praying/meditating and pulling cards for guidance on why I’ve been so destructive. Towards the end of the reading two cards came out. Ten of Swords, Three of Swords. Both reversed.
Pull these swords out.
Clear as day. So, I put those two cards at the top of my desk. Studied them. Felt them. And just went with it.
I had the Tower Moment as I was dictating my notes on the cards. I cried. A lot. Sigh. Well, truthfully, I started crying when the Strength card fell out. It’s not that I consciously feel weak, but rather it’s nice to see/hear that I can “do this”.
Everything here are concepts I am very familiar with for this particular dynamic. It is both reinforcement and encouragement. I need to refocus. If I’m gonna be successful in manifesting I must unblock my energy and let the creativity flow. I gotta let go of what isn’t, move forward toward what will be, and transform.
For me, at least. If I loved/cared about somebody (boyfriend, friend, family), I would continue to spend time with them even if their behaviour negatively impacted my emotions and energy. People have problems and you don’t cut off people you love just because they have issues. Right?
This past week this perception of mine has changed. Truthfully it’s been more than a week as it’s been a pretty slow process. I noticed I had been not really pulling away as much as just really being Hermit like. There hasn’t been that desire to be around gossip and drama. I’ve enjoyed the quiet time for studying, meditating, exploring. I have a lot of work I need to do on myself so that I can manifest and receive. Getting caught up in tumultuous situations is not conducive to helping this process along.
I love and miss some of these people in my life that are fiery and social butterflies. For a few, the distance is likely to be a permanent aspect of our interaction as so much as happened over time. For others, it’s just temporary until I can finish processing certain things and getting back on my feet.
But for someone like me who naturally wants to stand in the gap for people and be there for others as much as possible, being clear about protecting my own energy is a massive deal. It means I’m learning to take better care of self.
The key to my success and financial prosperity is tied to my creativity. I can’t let anything block that or twist my mood to where I wanna hide in bed. And today, twice, I found myself doing that. I was able to work through and transmute this morning. Tonight was a little harder. I just tried to distract myself with YouTube and then went to sleep for a few hours. I woke up just a little while ago and I can still feel the bit of sadness. I’ve got a spread for transmutation and subconscious feelings I’m going to use.
It’s been made very clear to me that I need to stay in these good positive vibes, rebuild and restore, keep with the meditation, and confront these feelings. I refuse to back slide into avoidant habits (eating, sleeping, denial).