Valentine’s Day 2019 Reading

Was it any surprise that I was going to do a Valentine’s Day reading with The Lovers Path Tarot? It’s such a beautiful deck. And full of wisdom! I keep it in this embroidered burgundy and gold drawstring bag that matches the palette of the deck’s artwork. I had been looking around a bit for a cloth to do readings on for it and happened across this gorgeous vintage Oscar de la Renta scarf with all the reds, pinks, and purples a person could want. My heart!

Six of Arrows and Fortune: Danae & Zeus, The Lovers Path tarot deck.

I have this relative that I’ve mentioned previously, the fire sign. She’s a maternal figure of sorts. She’s my mother’s sister. We have a very complicated relationship and it’s something I’ve really been working to improve. Earlier today, I was trying to help her with something. Unfortunately, it was beyond my ability and she’d have to find someone else to get it sorted. I came back to my desk to do my Valentine’s Day reading and she was sorta floating in and out of my head a bit whilst I was trying to get centered. It wasn’t enough to get me to stop shuffling, so I just went with it. Up come the Six of Swords and the Wheel of Fortune cards.

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Real Tits Float, Right?

So, this happened: Six of Swords, then both Nine of Swords and King of Pentacles reversed.

And then this happened: The Tower, the Sun, and the Lovers cards make an appearance.

That water sign business at the bottom there, oh boy. Thank God I have a pair of personal flotation devices built in.

I arranged the cards the way I did to highlight the imagery I see, e.g. the change in the couple falling out of the tower to their state in the lovers card, the journey and humbling of the water sign at the bottom.

As an aside, I’m not entirely sold that that King of Pentacles up there is my Taurean ex. I often associate him with the Knight/King. That’s the obvious answer. Moving on from the situation fully, out come the swords, his title/influence in my life taken away. This may be speaking more to a state of mind I’ve been battling, which also relates to Mr. Taurus.

2019 is going to be interesting. I may post the rest of this reading later.

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Journal: Queen of Pen-tacles

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The chair arrived and has been assembled! It is so comfortable and can be adjusted to the perfect height for the desk. So very happy. It’s super plush and was very easy to put together. Yay Office Depot! It’s taken a couple days for the odor on the bookcase to dissipate. Or, at least I hope it has versus me having simply gotten used to it. I’m gonna wipe it down with some lemon scented Pledge later. 

The past week I’ve really wanted to write and yesterday was the first chance I got to really sit down to do it. The night before I read through some old stories and found a series of three that I wanted to revisit, rewrite, refresh. A lot of the stories with “couples” in them are based of my past situations with guys. This series in particular was with an Aquarius and we shared a very peculiar attraction. It was worth writing about then. But it’s interesting to read back through how I wrote the female character (a version of me, I guess). The writing is solid, but the character’s personality traits are just so… It’s just hard for me to imagine that I used to operate like that within a courtship. A positive spin on it: I can see that I’ve grown a lot.

It’s cold AF here today. I’m going to go for a drive, take some photos, and do my errands. Absolutely beautiful out there. Plus, I’ve noticed that when I get down or discouraged, listening to podcasts (catching up on The Serpent Cast and Betwixt & Between, right now) helps to lift my mood and get me back on track. Yes, I’m a solitary. But, I really and truly am in every sense of the word. I can’t share this with my family. There’s no “Guess what I’ve learnt today!” or “I want to share this with you!”. None of that. Best case scenario one relative might be totally apathetic to what is a joyful period of personal growth in my life while the others would be… I don’t want to think about that. I’ll eventually address that in another entry when I tackle it.

Probably going to do some Tarot tonight after dinner. There are a few notebooks I need to finish setting up. Trying to decide if I want to put my custom tarot spreads in a book of their own with my meditations and journaling or put it in a tarot section of my BoS. I do a lot of work with tarot. That could wind up being a major section all on its own. Probably best to put it in its own notebook.

Journal: Truth Time

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I’m acting like I’m in control and haven’t relapsed. All those boxes I’ve got stored inside my head of all the things that have happened and that I’ve survived — they need to be thrown out.

Is this the worst binging I’ve done? No. But it is the most self-deceptive I’ve ever been.

I really need to get to the bottom of why I’m doing this. There’s no money for therapy or a program. It’s all up to me to figure this out. I’m going to die if I don’t make changes.

There’s nothing enjoyable about this, only discomfort and disgust. I know I cannot continue living like this.

I need to sit down and make some decisions, set some guidelines. There may not be a support system in my personal life, but there are people every day who battle similar issues and make it work. I can make it work too. This is my life, my health, my future.

I’m still alcohol free. Very proud of that. I just need to get my sleeping regimen back around and get back on a healthy road with my eating. There was a therapy workbook I was introduced to for disordered eating and I’m gonna buy it.

People have made decisions that have impacted not just their lives, but mine also. It’s time I face that and look at myself as well. No more excuses. No more apologist behaviour trying to mitigate how it has wounded me. Yes, people aren’t perfect. I know I’m not. But the fact they are human does not mean I have to forgive, forget, and keep them in my life. Especially when they show time and time again that they don’t factor the fall-out into their decisions. Or, perhaps, it isn’t that they aren’t considering it, but that they are and it just doesn’t factor in much at all.

I need to heal. I need to break free. I need to love myself. I need to repair that little girl inside.

Mr. Taurus emailed yesterday and it put me out of sorts. I hated how I reacted. I hated how it affected me.

These retrogrades. Jesus. I am going to spend today cleaning, planning, organising. I miss meditation and reading and studying.

And writing.

Mars Retrograde

My natal Mars (not retrograde) is in Capricorn same as my moon. This full moon in Capricorn and Retrograde in Aquarius (my ascendant) really hit me. 

The fatigue started Thursday afternoon. I call it that because at the time, that’s what it felt like. I didn’t sleep well the night before and I initially thought I was getting run down. But then I started to really listen to my body. I was sighing a lot. My muscles and actual physical self didn’t feel tired. I focused in and instead realized that I was tired — exhausted even.

Gemini season was rough. My natural instincts were to kinda be quiet and stay to myself. Every now and again I’d pop up and hang with some friends for some laughs. That was a double edged sword until I started being smarter about it. But I mostly tried to focus on writing and working on self.

Going into Cancer season (my Venus is in Cancer and figures very strongly in areas where I’ve needed to work on), I was trepidatious. There’s still a large part of my personality that doesn’t want to talk/experience my emotions. I remember doing a few big birthday readings and during one of them I had this light bulb moment.

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Follow Up Spread to Big Changes Post.

This spread was done to investigate the sadness and down energy I had been experiencing earlier today.

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I had the Tower Moment as I was dictating my notes on the cards. I cried. A lot. Sigh. Well, truthfully, I started crying when the Strength card fell out. It’s not that I consciously feel weak, but rather it’s nice to see/hear that I can “do this”.

Everything here are concepts I am very familiar with for this particular dynamic. It is both reinforcement and encouragement. I need to refocus. If I’m gonna be successful in manifesting I must unblock my energy and let the creativity flow. I gotta let go of what isn’t, move forward toward what will be, and transform.

Bottom of the deck: Eight of Cups. Damn.

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Journal: Big Change

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For me, at least. If I loved/cared about somebody (boyfriend, friend, family), I would continue to spend time with them even if their behaviour negatively impacted my emotions and energy. People have problems and you don’t cut off people you love just because they have issues. Right?

This past week this perception of mine has changed. Truthfully it’s been more than a week as it’s been a pretty slow process. I noticed I had been not really pulling away as much as just really being Hermit like. There hasn’t been that desire to be around gossip and drama. I’ve enjoyed the quiet time for studying, meditating, exploring. I have a lot of work I need to do on myself so that I can manifest and receive. Getting caught up in tumultuous situations is not conducive to helping this process along.

I love and miss some of these people in my life that are fiery and social butterflies. For a few, the distance is likely to be a permanent aspect of our interaction as so much as happened over time. For others, it’s just temporary until I can finish processing certain things and getting back on my feet.

But for someone like me who naturally wants to stand in the gap for people and be there for others as much as possible, being clear about protecting my own energy is a massive deal. It means I’m learning to take better care of self.

The key to my success and financial prosperity is tied to my creativity. I can’t let anything block that or twist my mood to where I wanna hide in bed. And today, twice, I found myself doing that. I was able to work through and transmute this morning. Tonight was a little harder. I just tried to distract myself with YouTube and then went to sleep for a few hours. I woke up just a little while ago and I can still feel the bit of sadness. I’ve got a spread for transmutation and subconscious feelings I’m going to use.

It’s been made very clear to me that I need to stay in these good positive vibes, rebuild and restore, keep with the meditation, and confront these feelings. I refuse to back slide into avoidant habits (eating, sleeping, denial).

Tarot Spread: The Ocean Spread by Kiki’s Cauldron

grimoire333:

kikiscauldron:

The last month or so I have been healing and resting by the ocean. This spread was inspired by that. This is a longer, more in depth reading for self discovery. I have found it to be a playful and soothing read. This tarot spread will be featured in the July 2018 edition of Witch Way Magazine, along with articles I’ve written on Florida Water and shell divination. I hope you enjoy!

this is beautiful

My gosh, what an amazing spread! And with Cancer season round the corner!

I’ve always felt super connected to water and sea life. While I’ve never lived super far inland, the times that I’ve lived further away from the coast than what would allow me to visit it regularly severely hampered my ability to recharge. In fact, during those parts of my life I would find a similar (though much less potent) effect by watching videos of waves on beaches or HD scuba exploration. I was taking a lot of long hot baths and visiting the pool also to just float and feel the water envelop me.

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