I’ve been having a rough go of it with emotions relating to my self esteem/identity and unresolved hurts from both childhood and a previous relationship. Some of these things I have outlined on here in previous posts. Part of the reason why I’ve had a rather long absence from posting is I just did not want to face any of it. Cancer season is emotional. I really don’t like talking about my feelings. Well, I can talk about them in an abstract and clinical way. I just don’t want to feel them. But tonight I gave up fighting it and just sat there and listened.
The meditation was an improvised thing. I was praying/meditating and pulling cards for guidance on why I’ve been so destructive. Towards the end of the reading two cards came out. Ten of Swords, Three of Swords. Both reversed.
Pull these swords out.
Clear as day. So, I put those two cards at the top of my desk. Studied them. Felt them. And just went with it.
I closed my eyes and returned to shuffling.
There’s a short list of people in my life I went through. But each one had a sword with their name on it in my heart like the Three of Swords. One by one, I went through and recalled and felt the hurt that they inflicted. Arguments, thoughtlessness, their death, anything that injured me or left me with grief.
The tears poured and so did the cards. My eyes consistently remained closed as I shuffled whilst doing this for each person. Whatever card flew out (some did), whichever group fell out (a couple times), or just got hung up in between my fingers (most), I let fall to the desk in an unseen pile on my desk.
If the hurt was raw and quick to surface, I pulled out the sword, tossed it away, and used the healing light of love and the sun to seal my heart. With some people the hurt had scarred deeply. Thinking of those traumatic events weren’t triggering any emotions. The scar tissue was thick. As much as part of my brain was trying to tell me I was “over it”, I knew I wasn’t. This required an extra step. After pulling out the named sword, but before healing and sealing, I cut through the scarred areas of my heart with light making it raw. I needed to excise and throw away the dead tissue so that fresh, vital, heart muscle could grow and heal in its place. Once the scarring was gone, I let the emotions flow and purge before sealing with love and light.
Once the swords were removed, I still needed to address the damage I inflicted upon my own self through negative self talk and repetitive destructive thinking. To me, it was like shrapnel. Every major theme/thought was represented by a piece of metal they needed to be removed from my heart. I would never be able to heal if I left those things there.
After all the crying and releasing, I ended the meditation with a review of the cards. Whatever cards came out (many were reversed), I considered to be representative of the type of issue the swords were associated with. I took the time to consider each one, but rather than being triggered by the events or hurts represented, I acknowledged it was something I survived and as healed from. It is no longer in my heart hurting me. It is outside of me. Away from me.
I piled up these cards and spoke aloud just that. These are issues that can hurt me no longer. My heart is healed. My heart is renewed. My heart is restored. I release these hurts.
To close, I shuffled the cards back into my deck and then cleansed it over a vetiver candle. A final shuffle was used to refill them with my lighter energy.
This turned out to be a very, very powerful visualization exercise for me. The effect was amazing. Maybe this will help others and so I felt moved to post it.